Nobody takes this seriously. Maybe I don’t want them to. Like a scorpion I’ll hide in the corner and sting myself to death, daring somebody to stop me.
Somebody, stop me. Pull me out of this mess, because I’m too weak to do it myself.
But is it worth it? Am I worth saving? I have to take care of my mother, but what comes after that?
Even though I’m the one who’s tied to a caregiving situation, I think somehow I’m more free-spirited than he is.
only cuz i want to fuck the dude i’ve known since highschool whom i ran into in target today. or some female friend of his.
god, i’m nauseas.
wtf. i gotta stop this. it hurts.
Stopping is too hard. Is it okay to feel like this? Probably not. Sigh.
he’s not texting me he’s not texting me he’s not texting me…
Maybe he’s bored, maybe I told him I had plans… I don’t remember.
you wanted perfect, you got your perfect
now i’m too perfect for someone like you
God, I’m an angry little cunt.
Gotta go buy more rum.
Got rats. Sam and Isaac. They’re cute, but slightly vicious.
Still with Boy. Told mother about drinking, cutting, the whole nine yards.
Dunno if she gets it, but my best friend is apparently proud of me for telling her.
I want to get better, but in the same thought I’m trying to think of an excuse to leave the house so I can go buy more booze.
There’s an AA meeting tonight. I don’t know if I’m going to go.
I want somebody else to do all this for me, even though I KNOW that’s impossible, if not stupid of me.
The boy told me that cutting and drinking were pathetic. Also, according to him, not drinking is just a matter of willpower. Willpower, of which I obviously have none. I don’t trust him as a confidant anymore. I love him, but hiding underneath a shroud of fake happiness is so normal now, and if I have to continue doing that to stay with him, I feel that’s fine.
And all I do is complain. All I do is talk about how I know I have problems, but I won’t do anything. It’s like if somebody were to say, “I have cancer. Meh. What’s for dinner?”
And I don’t WANT to give her a haircut. I don’t WANT to put the fucking vehicles away. I don’t WANT to go out on New Years Eve with a boyfriend who wants to celebrate, but refuses to fucking stay up til midnight like everyone else does.
I’m 23. How did this happen?
January 1st, 2009 is just another day. Same old, same old. Everything I’ve continued to do.
It’s okay. Seriously. I’ll be fine.
Two AA meetings in one day–I’m quite proud of myself.
Had the “heebie-jeebies and the awful shakes” this morning, but was alright after I had a chai latte and hung with some amazing women at the afternoon meeting. I hate crying in front of people, but the oldest woman in the room dottered to the kitchenette and got me a paper towel.
I’d like to try to keep up with this blog again. I may put some of my private LJ rants on here later, most of them related to drinking.
I’ve got a packed day tomorrow, and a three day committment to doing stuff for my friends’ wedding through Wednesday, so I probably won’t be able to make a meeting until Thursday. I’m planning on behaving though.
Today was my aunt’s birthday. She would be 49. I hadn’t seen her since I was probably about 3 years old, and I came home from getting food last November, and my mom informed me that my aunt had committed suicide. What is it with our family?? We’ve lost I think 6 people since July of 2006, starting with my best friends father who was only 50.
But death is a part of life, not necessarily an end. People’s legacies live on well after their body is gone.
Even though I wasn’t close to my aunt, she was an alcoholic among some other mental problems, and I think her birthday is a good “sobriety anniversary” for me. Today was also me and my boyfriend’s 5 month anniversary. We’re already seriously discussing moving in together and marraige. Phew! Scary shit, but it’s a good scary.
And now it is time for me to finish my hookah and go to sleep.
I felt so horrible at work today, and now I’m so tired and out of it. Maybe I need to eat.
I’m going to an AA meeting tonight. I wanted to go to one at 6, but my mom didn’t want me to leave to “eat dinner with my boyfriend” until later. Sigh. So I’m going at 7.
It’s another “Day One”. This time I’m going to do it though. Why? Because my coworker asked me to help him promote a show he’s playing next month, there might be a full time position opening up at work, and my mother’s health is still gradually declining.
If I take a full time job (which I WILL if it’s offered to me), I’m going to get another caregiver to come in. I may have to anyways…
But yeah. Here we go.
“I don’t know how I got this way, I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit tonight”
~Linkin Park
I do this whole, “I’m going to stop drinking NOW!” thing every few days, usually after a particularly bad binge.
I really want to stop. I really am tired of shaking, throwing up, being scared, not remembering what the hell I did or said or texted or emailed…
I’m sick of getting the brilliant idea to shave my legs at 1AM wasted out of my mind, then wondering why they’re so bloody the next morning.
It’s really pretty out this early morning and I want to bike. I actually enjoy insomnia sometimes.
So this is another attempt of mine, public this time. Here we go…
I’M SO USED TO NOT FEELING!
How am I going to learn how to feel again if I stop drinking? How do I deal with it?
FUCK.
I’ll have to relearn my entire fucking life.
The one I care for is getting worse, and the one I don’t care for doesn’t care.
Outside:
I’m loud, crazy, and have it all under control. I have a job, I take random classes, I care for my mother, and I miss my father to a normal extent. I keep my car full of gas, pay my bills on time (usually), and am trying to be a vegetarian. I make jokes, and giggle about hot police officers. Friends tell me about guys’ “packages”, and we giggle and refuse to tell our boss what the hell we’re laughing about. I wear acrylic nails and keep my hair short and funky. I wear sparkley shoes. I check out both girls and guys.
Inside:
I’m dying. My body is accustomed to many legal chemicals, the worst of which is called alcohol. My mother compares me to my aunt every time I bring up possibly wanting to be a cop. My aunt was a cop and an alcoholic, and then committed suicide. I wish she’d stop comparing me to her.
I go 9 days without drinking, and I lose it. I buy more, and now I’m dizzy and can’t think and feel like I’m going to throw up. What the fuck.
I get so bored when I don’t drink. I harass my friends, and they probably wish I’d leave them alone.
I used to be so self-sufficient. What happened? Why do I feel like I “need” someone else now? I never used to just “want someone” to be with. Why now? Am I trying to replace my dad with a “partner”? That’s sort of gross. But I guess it could make sense…
